Sunday, November 10, 2013

The perfectly "un-perfect" parent


This has been a topic on my brain for quite some time now.  This whole being a mother of a 10 year old is driving me crazy stressing me out just a little bit more than I would like to admit.  I was thinking that some of the issues I have wouldn't appear for at least another 3 years or so, but NOPE--- guess God must have see some incredible strength hidden in my soul because He sure is throwing a lot my way :).  Being a 10 year old girl (or really any age boy or girl) in 2013 has got to be a pretty rough thing.  You have all of the social medias, cable, friends, family, and the many other things that cause distractions and confusions.  And so because of all of these tings that have been on mind, I decided to write about how I feel about parenting!!!!

With that being said,  I want my home to be the safe haven from any insecurities.  But I do still think that there should be discipline and rules...I'd say order also, but if you saw the state of my house at any given time, then....nope, not usually.  I don't want to be my kids friends. And when I say that, I know a lot of people think that is mean and cruel, but I'm just trying to be honest.  I think sometimes trying to be your child's friend creates confusion as to who is in charge and who should be making the rules.

I do want my children to be able to talk to me...but I want them to be aware that I may get angry and I may punish them because of things that do.  But instead of being afraid to tell me things because they may be in trouble, I want them to become people that are able to live with their consequences and know that EVERY decision they make does have a consequence, whether good or bad. I know many people that know me, describe me as the MEAN and STRICT parent.  Those titles have bothered me up until recently. Just a week or so ago I realized that I take pride in being "strict" and "mean" I don't want my kids to necessarily be scared of me, but don't think there is anything wrong with a healthy fear that any and everything they do I will now about and will have an opinion about.  I know when I was younger, knowing that my mom may not approve of something actually made me NOT do certain things.  I think punishment is healthy.  As an adult, I have consequences to my actions, so why shouldn't children begin to understand that lesson early on in life.  I also have to admit that I have an extremely short temper. I yell and scream, which is not always right, but it is what it is.  I probably yell more than fact I know that I do.

I'm working on that whole yelling and screaming thing, but it's going to take a while.  It's just part of who I am.  Everyone' spare ting style is different and I think we should respect one another in whatever parenting style we choose.  I have been super guilty of judging moms or even judging myself on how I parent.  I seem to think that almost everyone is a better parent than me, and to be quite honest--- they probably are.  It seems like so many moms are just way more patient than me and never yell at my kids.  I like to tell myself that these parents are just afraid of being parents when other people are around.  I will yell at my children in public.  I don't believe in disciplining them later when they have forgotten the thing that they did to even get in trouble. Madison can testify to that!!!  I also think that sometimes I expect a little bit more from my kids than others do from their kids. For example, I DO NOT allow my children to respond to me by saying, "what?"  I wasn't allow to respond to my parents in that way, and I guess it is just instilled in me.  I am a huge believer in respect.  I don't care if I have told my children something that makes them upset.  I demand respect from them and demand that they are respectful to others, children, friends, moms, adults, EVERYONE.  I think that children need to learn to respect everyone regardless of how someone treats them.  I think it is part of surviving in today's world.

We do not have cable in our home.  I think some people thought that was because we did not want to expose our children to certain things on TV.  I wish that I could say that WAS the reason.  but nope..... Whether it be on a TV in our home, a conversation with a friend, someone else's TV, in a classroom, on the school bus, overhearing a conversation between Damian and I, the computer, YouTube, dance class...they are probably hearing and learning these things anyway.  In fact, in the back of my car I heard a friend explain to Madison what being gay/lesbian was.  I don't remember what I felt at that moment, because I tend to hold in my feelings, but I was probably more grateful that it was one less thing that I would have to explain.  And at least I got to hear the explanation given.  And please don't take that the wrong way, if I had felt that the information being given was incorrect or if the other child had began to give her opinion, then I would have interjected.  My children are allowed to have a voice and opinion about things, but would like them to form their own opinions from true knowledge rather than the influencing from friends or the like.  Madison does own a tablet, Myles does watch some violent cartoons, and all of my children have probably seen inappropriate things over my shoulder as I giggle at YouTube video sandwich crazy movies.  My only expectation is that my children learn that it is not their job to teach their friends about the world and the things in it.  Leave that for their friends parents or other friends.

I struggle with parenting.  The whole balancing love, discipline,safety is sometimes too much for me.  Parenting just isn't easy for me.  I actually want to admit something which may even make people look at me different, but I don't it goes.... I didn't always want to be a mom.  I was never one of those girls that was looking forward to getting married and having a decent sized family with kids running around.  I wanted to be a business women in the criminal justice field living on my own in New York. City.....needless to say, things have definitely taken a different course in my life.  I love each of my kids dearly, but would be lying if I said that I have never imagined life without them.  I have, and while sometimes I think of the things that I am not able to do, I am super grateful for each of my kids and the various things they have taught me along the way.  But I will say, sometimes I roll my eyes, in my head of course, when I hear moms constantly talk about how perfect their kids are and how their kids are a dream come true, and blah, blah, blah.  I am human and I have had moments where I have just wanted to walk away from being a parent. I do suffer from depression and sometimes in my lowest low, I want to just escape and run away.  I never have and probably never will, but sometimes parenting overwhelms me.  

And now that you have read that last paragraph, please don't think that I do not love my children.  I love them with all that I have.  I learn from them daily, and work to be the an example to them. I don't expect them to think that I a the worlds best mom but I do hope they understand that I want the best for them always and will be there for them every time they fall even if it is to pick them up and then explain to them, harshly if necessary, why they may have fallen. :)

So in the end of my all over the place blog post, I have managed to find the one thing that imperfect at.........being the worlds most IMPERFECT parent!  Now all you perfect parents out there can begin pointing your fingers and criticizing me! And that's okay...the more comfortable I am with talking about the raw truth of how I feel about being a parent, the more I think I can handle it.

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