Sunday, February 24, 2013

Broken, fearful, and seeking inspiration PART 1(WARNING:NO FAMILY UPDATES/PICS)

These past few weeks have been quite interesting.  I have probably spent a good part of it deep in thought. Much needed thought, mind you!
I am afraid...I am full of fear! I mean, I know most people have those select things that they are afraid of, but I have so many things, I cannot even narrow them down.  I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of change, I fear the unknown, I fear judgement, I fear loneliness while fearing a crowd at the same time.  Fear has seemed to consume many parts of my life, my day, my thoughts.


My original plan for this blog was to just document the ins and outs of the kids lives..but you know what? I need somewhere to document some of my feelings also.  And what better way to conquer some of my fears but to use this blog as a personal journal also.  I will no longer fear negative feedback.  I will no longer allow myself to hold back with fear of someone viewing me differently.

Some things have been bothering me for a long time.  Things that I should not be holding in.  I truly believe that if you feel someone has hurt you, it is healthy to explain to them your feelings.  I, however, very rarely do this.  Unless of course it's my husband who has hurt me...I seem to have no problem lashing out on him at any given moment.  In fact, since I am trying to be completely honest here, he sometimes gets yelled at even if it is someone else that hurt me.  Hey--I have never claimed to be perfect.

I am afraid of starting trouble...because trouble begets more trouble begets more trouble.  And I also tend to be quite the hot head.  When I do allow something to get me completely worked up to the point where I cannot hold it in anymore, I EXPLODE! This is never a good thing and I am more aware of it now than ever.  Just a few days ago, I exploded and lets just say, well...there were dishes on the floor and a broken cup.  This is so not the way in which I want my children to see me or remember me as they get older.

It's this realization that has really had me searching for an outlet if you will.  I have been actively searching for this outlet to be to find something that I enjoy doing.  Do it yourself projects, crafting, writing this blog, writing in a journal, just finding something that is just for me.  But here comes that fear again.  The fear of change that tends to hold me back from much of what I envision myself to be.  I have just told myself that for the year 2013 I am going to make it my goal to find this outlet.  I am going to use Damian, Madison, Myles, and Mayci as my inspiration, as well as my faith in God.  I want to make these changes not only for MY happiness and My sanity, but for my family.  I want to be the mom that my children remember as happy, kind, considerate and I want to be the wife that my husband can describe as loving, supportive, beautiful, confident, nurturing.

I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other people.....what a way to make yourself feel like you are not good enough!!  I have always struggled with this, I mean, even back in middle and high school.  But I notice it being more detrimental to my self esteem now that I am both a wife and a mother.  I find myself noticing all the good qualities in other wives and mothers, but never finding the good in myself.  That wife always seems to greet her husband with a smile, that mom's children always look picture perfect.  And I take these thoughts and use them as the main ingredient to my self pity recipe that soon begins to cook.  I cannot do this anymore.  Why would I even want to be like anyone else?  Okay, so maybe I should greet my husband with a smile, but why on earth would I want my children to look picture perfect?  I want them to play, live life, get dirty, smell like the outdoors(well, when it's appropriate), to just HAVE FUN!!  And I want to begin to take time out to have some of that fun with them....

At this point, I am feeling broken, fearful, and seeking inspiration....Nothing left to do but to turn these feelings around and start fresh!!

So I am naming this as DAY 1 to my FORGET THAT FEAR and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!  I hope you will be   a cheerleader for me in my journey!

No comments:

Post a Comment