The perfectly "un-perfect" parent

PARENTING...............................................UUUGGGGHHHHHHHH

This has been a topic on my brain for quite some time now.  This whole being a mother of a 10 year old is driving me crazy stressing me out just a little bit more than I would like to admit.  I was thinking that some of the issues I have wouldn't appear for at least another 3 years or so, but NOPE--- guess God must have see some incredible strength hidden in my soul because He sure is throwing a lot my way :).  Being a 10 year old girl (or really any age boy or girl) in 2013 has got to be a pretty rough thing.  You have all of the social medias, cable, friends, family, and the many other things that cause distractions and confusions.  And so because of all of these tings that have been on mind, I decided to write about how I feel about parenting!!!!

With that being said,  I want my home to be the safe haven from any insecurities.  But I do still think that there should be discipline and rules...I'd say order also, but if you saw the state of my house at any given time, then....nope, not usually.  I don't want to be my kids friends. And when I say that, I know a lot of people think that is mean and cruel, but I'm just trying to be honest.  I think sometimes trying to be your child's friend creates confusion as to who is in charge and who should be making the rules.

I do want my children to be able to talk to me...but I want them to be aware that I may get angry and I may punish them because of things that do.  But instead of being afraid to tell me things because they may be in trouble, I want them to become people that are able to live with their consequences and know that EVERY decision they make does have a consequence, whether good or bad. I know many people that know me, describe me as the MEAN and STRICT parent.  Those titles have bothered me up until recently. Just a week or so ago I realized that I take pride in being "strict" and "mean" I don't want my kids to necessarily be scared of me, but don't think there is anything wrong with a healthy fear that any and everything they do I will now about and will have an opinion about.  I know when I was younger, knowing that my mom may not approve of something actually made me NOT do certain things.  I think punishment is healthy.  As an adult, I have consequences to my actions, so why shouldn't children begin to understand that lesson early on in life.  I also have to admit that I have an extremely short temper. I yell and scream, which is not always right, but it is what it is.  I probably yell more than necessary...ummmm...in fact I know that I do.

I'm working on that whole yelling and screaming thing, but it's going to take a while.  It's just part of who I am.  Everyone' spare ting style is different and I think we should respect one another in whatever parenting style we choose.  I have been super guilty of judging moms or even judging myself on how I parent.  I seem to think that almost everyone is a better parent than me, and to be quite honest--- they probably are.  It seems like so many moms are just way more patient than me and never yell at my kids.  I like to tell myself that these parents are just afraid of being parents when other people are around.  I will yell at my children in public.  I don't believe in disciplining them later when they have forgotten the thing that they did to even get in trouble. Madison can testify to that!!!  I also think that sometimes I expect a little bit more from my kids than others do from their kids. For example, I DO NOT allow my children to respond to me by saying, "what?"  I wasn't allow to respond to my parents in that way, and I guess it is just instilled in me.  I am a huge believer in respect.  I don't care if I have told my children something that makes them upset.  I demand respect from them and demand that they are respectful to others, children, friends, moms, adults, EVERYONE.  I think that children need to learn to respect everyone regardless of how someone treats them.  I think it is part of surviving in today's world.

We do not have cable in our home.  I think some people thought that was because we did not want to expose our children to certain things on TV.  I wish that I could say that WAS the reason.  but nope..... Whether it be on a TV in our home, a conversation with a friend, someone else's TV, in a classroom, on the school bus, overhearing a conversation between Damian and I, the computer, YouTube, dance class...they are probably hearing and learning these things anyway.  In fact, in the back of my car I heard a friend explain to Madison what being gay/lesbian was.  I don't remember what I felt at that moment, because I tend to hold in my feelings, but I was probably more grateful that it was one less thing that I would have to explain.  And at least I got to hear the explanation given.  And please don't take that the wrong way, if I had felt that the information being given was incorrect or if the other child had began to give her opinion, then I would have interjected.  My children are allowed to have a voice and opinion about things, but would like them to form their own opinions from true knowledge rather than the influencing from friends or the like.  Madison does own a tablet, Myles does watch some violent cartoons, and all of my children have probably seen inappropriate things over my shoulder as I giggle at YouTube video sandwich crazy movies.  My only expectation is that my children learn that it is not their job to teach their friends about the world and the things in it.  Leave that for their friends parents or other friends.

I struggle with parenting.  The whole balancing love, discipline,safety is sometimes too much for me.  Parenting just isn't easy for me.  I actually want to admit something which may even make people look at me different, but I don't mind....here it goes.... I didn't always want to be a mom.  I was never one of those girls that was looking forward to getting married and having a decent sized family with kids running around.  I wanted to be a business women in the criminal justice field living on my own in New York. City.....needless to say, things have definitely taken a different course in my life.  I love each of my kids dearly, but would be lying if I said that I have never imagined life without them.  I have, and while sometimes I think of the things that I am not able to do, I am super grateful for each of my kids and the various things they have taught me along the way.  But I will say, sometimes I roll my eyes, in my head of course, when I hear moms constantly talk about how perfect their kids are and how their kids are a dream come true, and blah, blah, blah.  I am human and I have had moments where I have just wanted to walk away from being a parent. I do suffer from depression and sometimes in my lowest low, I want to just escape and run away.  I never have and probably never will, but sometimes parenting overwhelms me.  

And now that you have read that last paragraph, please don't think that I do not love my children.  I love them with all that I have.  I learn from them daily, and work to be the an example to them. I don't expect them to think that I a the worlds best mom but I do hope they understand that I want the best for them always and will be there for them every time they fall even if it is to pick them up and then explain to them, harshly if necessary, why they may have fallen. :)

So in the end of my all over the place blog post, I have managed to find the one thing that imperfect at.........being the worlds most IMPERFECT parent!  Now all you perfect parents out there can begin pointing your fingers and criticizing me! And that's okay...the more comfortable I am with talking about the raw truth of how I feel about being a parent, the more I think I can handle it.

Plans plans, plans

Wow... Can you believe it is November already? It's crazy how fast time really goes. Ive been realizing it mor and more lately.  But as always, the beginning of the month is always the most exciting for me.  It makes me feel like I have a clean slate to start with.  I have a lot planned for this month.  

I have decided to host Thanksgiving at my house this year.. Well, it's only going to be me, Damian, the kids, my older sister Lisa, my mom and dad, and hopefully my little sister Amanda and her boyfriend, Will.  I would have loved to invite my in laws and some of the Curtis/Rodriguez clan, but #1 I don't know if our little house could accommodate everyone and #2 my in laws always host a rather large Thanksgiving day party type thing at their house, so I would not want to intrude on that in anyway.  I am just really trying to come up with some of our own little traditions within our immediate family.  With that being said, I hope it doesn't come off that I do not want to go to my in laws, because we will definitely be joining them in the later part of the day.  The kids will want to see everyone and Damian and his brothers and cousins have a tradition of going to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas night.

I am also hoping to truly come up with a blogging schedule.  I don't want blogging to feel like a job, but I would really like it to be consistent as I want to use these blogs as away to look back at our family and the little things that consumed our every day lives.

YouTube has been interesting me very much lately.  I started getting into to beauty videos, and family blogs towards the middle of 2012..and it has just gotten worse, hahaha! I already have a YouTube channel that I use for videos of the kids and such.  But I have created another one called, MakeupofMichelle.  I have hopes of using this YouTube account for not only makeup and beauty things, but to chronicle my journey in life and all the things that "makeup" who I am.  As I get closer to getting something posted on that channel, I will be sure to get everyone posted...just don't be expecting anything super fancy..we all know that is not who I am.  

Now for my usual updates.  Since school has started, things are slowly picking up around here.  Unfortunately car trouble has been a constant in our world.  The van needs several thousand dollars worth of work, and the car..well...that is a whole other story.  We are slowly getting that thing back together.  With that being said, I have learned how to use the city bus.  Not nearly as hard s I could have imagined.

Mayci has transitioned from her crib to a toddler bed..she seems to be doing okay with that so far.  She is still quite the talker and has a very strong personality.  We haven't really focused on potty training yet, but I see that in the near future.  I think that one we get serious about it, she will learn quite quickly, or at least I hope so.

Madison is still dancing, of course.  She has been taking some extra classes since dance started in September, but because of the 2 weekdays off that she gets, itoesnt seem like she is there quite as much as she really is.  She is competing again and is working on 2 solos this year.  Wow..I just don't know how she manages to fit it all in and stay focused. But so far, so good.  She is in the 5th grade, has a male teacher, and has signed up for the leadership and movement team.  She still seems to be loving school quite a bit...BUT she is becoming a challenge for me in other areas that I may address In a future post.

Myles, what a kid.  He is still home during the day with Damiann the morning and then Abby in the afternoon as is. Mayci.  I am hoping to place him in a preschool setting by the beginning of 2014 so he can get some of that exposure to other kids and some of the basic rules of school down.  He has been attending church on Sundays and Wednesday with Abby over the past 3 weeks...and LOvES it.  he missed today due to being under the weather and was extremely bummed about it.  I am thinking that maybe it is time for me to return to church and begin taking the kids with me.  As a mother who claims to be a Christian, I should not be leaving the duty of getting my kids to church to my mother in law, not that she minds at all.  Myles did not restart dance this year, but is starting basketball this upcoming weekend.  He is super excited and Madison has made it her job to, train, him.  

My goal in the near future is to get both Madison and Myles into piano lessons..just have to reach out to the teacher and make sure the funds are available.  hopefully something will happen soon.

As for Damian and I, weare just trying to increase the success of our marriage all while balancing everyone's schedule.  We have been doing pretty well, and have been truly working as a team!

  I hope all is well in everyone else's world.

Myles and Mayci JAMMING

Here is a little snippet if Myles and Mayci's jam session this past Saturday at Luques & Karina's engagement party

Week of July 7-July 13 2013

This week has just been dragging for me so much.  It started out like such a good week at first, but now I am just extra ready for the weekend.  (i know--- could I sound any more pitiful!!)  Myles is still suffering from stomachaches and discomfort and every time that kicks in, boy is he miserable.  Only good thing is that it last for a little while and then goes away until next time.  But because it has been two weeks, this warranted him a trip to see the doctor, well the emergency room in fact.  Damian and Madison went to the ER with Myles and I took Mayci home to put her to bed...and for all you judgemental mama's out there..nope- I didn't go..I don't like any stomach related illnesses and well, lets be honest ..I have never claimed to be the worlds best mom!  Anyway..nothing serious per doctor..just a little "backed up" and filled with air and well, other things.

Damian has been picking up extra hours at the store, so Anastoria has been coming to the house twice a week to help with babysitting.  The kids love it.  And Anastoria is such a Godsend. She wakes up extremely early just to catch the bus to our house and doesn't even act like it is a problem! We love her, and I hope Madison is paying extra attention, because in just a opulent short years she will be on babysitter duty!

This weekend (it's Sunday, July 14,2013) was awesome.  On Friday, all the kids were luck enough to have the opportunity to attend Damian's cousin, magda's wedding.  It was on a beach so before the ceremony, the kids had time to play in the sand.  Damian and I weren't able to go due to work, but when Madison and Mayci got home late Friday night(Myles of course stayed with Mama and Popup) they were already tired if not asleep.  Saturday was a busy day.  Damian had to work in the morning and had a gig at night so we didn't see each other except for first thing in the morning and then right before I went to bed around 1030p. But...that happens sometimes and while I never enjoy days like that, I am tried hard to not let it ruin my day.  We had Aaliyah's birthday party in Waterford and because Myles was still feeling blah, it turned out to be a girls only trip.  The party was at a bowling alley, and I was so happy that Madison was able spend some time with her cousins and that they evens had bowling shoes that fit Mayci! Plus, this particular family..Damian's uncle Greg, Aunt Robin, cousins Jazmyn, her husband Kike and their kids, Ambeur and her daughter Aaliyah(the birthday girl), and Isaiah(who was unable to attend the party) and his wife Tianne and their boys... Is always EXTRA good to my kids and even made sure that Madison had her cheese free pizza to eat!  Always so thoughtful.  It was so nice to see the family especially since we don't see them as often as we probably should :). We ended the day at Luques and Karina's engagement party. What a nice party.  So many family and friends came out to celebrate such a great couple!!! It was so good to see everyone and spend a little time just relaxing and talking with people even though I cut the night short for myself because of the heat and mosquitos.  I will admit that since I am such a homebody, I miss out on a lot of events like this, but I am really trying to get better.  I am so happy for both Luques and Karina and hope that has time goes on, I will get better at reaching out and spending time with people so that I can really get to know Karina. She seems absolutely amazing, we get along, and my kids ADORE her..in fact Madison is so excited to call her Aunt Karina...but because I tend to stay home during a lot of events and differ occasions, I have missed out on getting to know her anymore. I did talk with her this weekend and I hope to plan something when I can head out to NYC and we can get together to just hand out for a girls day!!

Today I am home relaxing, catching up on my YouTube subscriptions, and making sure the house is in order. Next week Madison leaves for her 5 day trip to NYC and Damian and I are hoping to get out there on Saturday...so until then...........

Mr Myles after he got comfy in the ER bed/cot

Check out those awesome bowling shoes

The couple of honor cutting their cake...

Iron Man performing for his uncle Luques and Aunt Karina at their engagement party!

Madison getting ready to show off her bowling skills

Week of June 30-July 6

Been a pretty good week.  I mean, good in the sense that I think the kids had a good weekend.  Madison seemed to enjoy her first full week off of school and I KNOW that Myles and Mayci LOVE having her home!

Monday after work, Ted and Abby asked to keep the kids for a little longer to hand out and go out to dinner.  I have several things around the house that I wanted to work on, so of course I agreed. After coming home, it seemed as though Myles had gotten sick at Friendly's and thrown up.  The jury is till out as to whether or not he was a little sick to his stomach or he choked, but now this little boy is PARANOID!  We have been struggling since then to get him to eat a full meal, because he is so afraid of "spitting up." Let me assure you..I tried to be patient with him for several days, but today I blew up at him because I was just so frustrated with him.  I may have made matters worse because then he broke down entirely and got very upset with me.  I feel very bad, and will tell him that when he has calmed down, but uuugghhh, I just don't think I have much in the patiene department and I am not ashamed to admit it.

The rest of the week has pretty much consisted of me trying to clean out bedrooms and get this house in some kind of order so that I can come up with a schedule to help me maintain it better.  That's going okay, but I don't get nearly as much done in a day as I would like..I would like to attribute that to the fact that our house is unbearably hot with no AC and a few ceiling fans that just move around the hot air- but in reality, I think I am incredibly lazy.  But slowly, I am determined to get it all done.  Mayci is having a birthday party in 3 weeks so I would really like to get the house presentable by then :)

Madison started back with dance this week.  Looks like she is taking about 10 classes, spending 4 hours at dance twice a week and then 2 hours on another day. It doesn't seem to bother her, so I will continue to let her do so.

Myles and Damian showed up at Myles' soccer practice this past Tuesday, but unfortunately his coach has been ill so no practice yet again.  The kids have been filling in the gaps this week by spending time outside, at the park, and at the town pool.  hey are covered in mosquito bites, getting some color, and pretty exhausted by the end of the night...so I'm thinking that summer is going as planned.

This upcoming week consists of work, the pool, more park visits I am sure, birthday parties, and my brother in law Luques and his fiancé Karina's engagement party will end the week on Saturday.

Mayci relaxing at Alyce's 3rd birthday party...WOOOH..it was so hot outside!!

Madison playing "teacher" to her "students" Myles and Mayci...believe it or not--those little ones really enjoy sitting still and "learning"

This is how Mayci was enjoying her lunch and watching LeapFrog....What a worryfree life...

Live action

Nothing super exciting to post....ummmmm...wait...do I ever post anything exciting?!?!?

Just a few videos of the kids just sort of ......."doing what they do"

MIA no more!!!!!!!!

Just a glimpse of our faces since we have been gone for so long :)

4 MONTHS?!?!?!

I cannot believe that I allowed for 4 months to go by before even sitting down and truly taking the time to write in this darn blog.  Didn't I tell myself that the main reason for the blog was so that I could maintain steady up to date pictures of the kids, allow for myself to have "blog book" yearly to be able to look back on, and to a have an "outlet" to release some of my not so hidden feeling....

Okay, okay--I am not going to beat mysel fup for it.  I am not going to even try to catch up on the last 4 months...I have to focus on the here and now.  So I will just recap the month of June with maybe a few tidbits for the prior 3...hahaha!

March, April, and May kept the entire family busy with dance competitions for Madison, Myles 4th birthday( no party..we kept it simple this time around) , Mayci's many milestones of incorporating new words into her vocabulary, gaining some more teeth, and looking forward to her second birthday party.

Competition for Madison was extra exciting this year for her.  She was not only competing in groups but had a lyrical solo number as well.  She did quite well and managed to get into the top overalls for 2 out of 3 competitions and we are so proud of her.

Myles turned 4 on April 27th and is such a big boy.  Damian and I didn't host a party for him, finances and time were jut not on our side at this point, but Ted and Abby had a small gathering at their home for him. Such a nice time to be together with friends and family for happy occasions

Mayci has just been growing, learning, and exploring overs these past 3 months.  She speaks more and more each day and has us laughing quite a bit with her many facial expressions and silly ways.  She will be having a birthday party to celebrate her 2nd birthday at the end of June and I don't think she even realizes...even though I have been trying to teach her to show 2 fingers and tell people how old she is.

June always seems like such a short and busy month for this family,  Damian celebrated his 35th birthday, Madison celebrated her 10th.  Can't believe that I am even old enough to have a ten year old! School for Madison didn't even get out until the 24th, thanks to all of the snow days in the earlier months of winter.  Madison and Myles had their recital and oh goodness...I was so nervous about Myles but he did much better than I though.  I signed up for an adults hip hop class this year and we also danced in the recital.  Not my finest moment but I enjoyed myself all the same.


As we enter into July, we have a lot of things to look forward to.  Myles is playing soccer once a
week and is really enjoying it. They missed one week due to his coach being ill but he has asked ,e several times when he is going back.  Mayci is turning 2 on the 27th of this month and she will be having a Dora themed birthday party (ummmmmm--- I should probably start planning that and send out my invitations).

Madison starts dance back up after 3 weeks off.......that's bittersweet though- I
love to see her dance and know how much she enjoys it, but I would be lying if I said I didn't really enjoy not having to bring her back and forth.  Madison will also be attending the Tremaine dance workshop thing in NYC that she attended last year toward the end of the month.  Seems like the busyness never stops..